It’s just as easy to love the founder of Wikileaks as it is to hate him. He’s courageous, but he looks like Eurotrash. He exposes the inherent corruption of bloated governments, but he does it for Eurotrash reasons. He raw dawgs his groupies (even if raw dawging is a little Eurotrashy), but his groupies are frumpy feminists.
We’ll never resolve these contradictory issues in our mind, so let’s do away with our personal feelings and focus on the essentials: why we even need Julian Assange in the first place.
1. We will never be truly threatened by him because of his effeminacy.
2. Tracking his every move will hark us back to our beloved “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” days.
3. The word “Wikileak” is a beacon of urination jokes.
4. If there’s an outlet for guys who want to see girls felate a donkey, then there should be an outlet for government whistleblowers.
5. The only way the most underrated actor of all time, Bill Pullman, will get another job is if he plays Assange in his biopic.
6. You’d want to know what your employees are doing while they’re at work, especially if they extorted their salary from you.
7. At some point, Assange is going to leak that Harry Reid is gay, and we’ll all have a fun time pretending to be shocked.
8. Gucci needs someone besides Guidos to don their shiny suits in public.
9. The first amendment is there to protect us from the government, not the government from us.
10. Aside from whistleblowing, the only other way to keep a government honest is to keep it small, which we’re really bad at doing.