SUFFOLK, UK – Notorious ladies’ man and truth-pusher Julian Assange remains on mansion-arrest, stemming from allegations of consensual sex. Reporters are camped outside the Ellingham Hall estate he’s been confined to, hoping to catch a glimpse of what a real journalist looks like.
Some female reporters – although a few males as well – have begun throwing their bras and business cards at Assange every time he leaves to sign the same book for fans at the local police station. Historians and human rights experts believe this book, filled with hundreds of Assange’s autographs, will be worth big money someday, when truth again becomes relevant. The Washington Fancy has been piecing together the fascinating interchange between these intrepid reporters and Assange:
NYTimes: Mr. Assange, you’ve been voted Newseek’s Man of the Year, you’ve been awarded the Sydney Peace Medal, and you’re nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Is it true that you hate democracy?
Assange: Why would–? Do you know what democracy means?
NYTimes: It means following rules, sir.
Assange: Whose rules? Your Founding Fathers? The first amendment? Journalism 101? Or your editors?
NYTimes: Why couldn’t you just let real journalists handle these leaks?
Assange: That’s a great question. Why don’t you ask all the whistleblowers.
Heather Brooks: Let’s cut to the chase, sir. Why is your hair gray? There’s been conflicting reports; one claims that it went gray after a sustained custody battle against your ex-wife and the system, while the other maintains that you had a childhood accident with a cathode-ray tube that gave you superpowers. Which is it?
Assange: The tube thing. Definitely.
Heather Brooks: You know I still find you incredibly sexy.
Assange: I know, Miss Brooke. Please let go of my leg.
DailyMail: Julian, there are reports that you “eat when you’re hungry” and “sleep when you’re tired.” Can you confirm these allegations?
Assange: Actually, you got even that wrong. To be honest, I don’t sleep when I’m tired, or even eat when I’m hungry. Too busy.
DailyMail: But you’ve been described as “barely domesticated” by your own caretaker. Are you like a wild animal inside that mansion? Like an orangutan or a lizard?
Assange: I’m not pooping in any corners if that’s what you mean.
DailyMail: Are you sure?
CNN: Julian, we have a source named Daniel Dumbs**t-Burg—
Assange: You mean Domscheit-Berg.
CNN: That’s what I said. Anyways, this D.B. claims you’re a tyrannical, egomaniacal, super-arch villain a-hole poser from the far reaches of hell. Can you respond?
Assange: Is this the same D.B. that stole leaked files, destroyed evidence, and sabotaged our servers?
Guardian: Now that that you’ve endangered countless people by publishing unredacted cables—
Assange: You mean, after your own reporters compromised the unredacted cables—
Guardian: What about the rumor that you’ve agreed to pose naked for Playgirl? Is this true?
Assange: What? Ridiculous. Absolutely not.
Guardian: But you agree that there exists such a thing as Playgirl Magazine? Yes or no?
There you have it. Julian Assange has agreed to pose naked for Playgirl. The Fancy and other serious news sites will continue covering all breaking news on the messenger using sanctioned wiretaps by inside sources at Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp.