Jaraparilla – Wednesday, June 13, 2012
By Special Correspondent Anders Panders
Dateline Stockholm, 1st November 2012
Australian Prime Minister Scott Ludlum appeared on Swedish national television at 7 pm local time to declare that the primary goal of the mission – the rescue of Australian political prisoner Julian Assange – had been achieved. Assange had been due to be extradited to the USA within three weeks, following the US presidential elections, but is now returning home to a hero’s welcome.
Australian Prime Minister Scott Ludlum – who rose swiftly to power after Australians rejected both major parties in a September double dissolution election, followed by his own party leader’s decision to “spend more time in her garden” – declared that the Swedish people had nothing to fear but the truth, and their government had only themselves to blame.
The Australian assault on the Swedish mainland began with an orchestrated, simultaneous takeover of all media and communications, including submarine Internet cables, at exactly midnight last night. Swedes awoke to news that their Foreign Minister Carl Bildt had been arrested for espionage after working as an undercover spy for the United States for over a decade.
As one shocked grandmother told Aftonbladet: “We have all known this for a long time, if the truth be told. But nobody wanted to talk about it. It was just too embarrassing.”
This news quickly lead to the resignation of the Prime Minister, the head of the Armed Forces, and many other shocking TV revelations from a string of political and cultural celebrities, including Agnetha Fältskog and Björn Borg.There were even shocking revelations about who really killed Olof Palme.
But it was all a clever hoax. Even if many of the allegations may yet prove to be true – WikiLeaks claims to have a comprehensive dossier ready for release – the scenes shown on Swedish media were in fact highly sophisticated computer-generated images and audio productions, carefully crafted by a secret multimedia lab within Canberra’s new Department of Youth, Imagination and Total Awesomeness, which Prime Minister Ludlum established as a priority after cutting funds from other departments including Defence and ASIO.
“This military defeat of Sweden is actually a triumph for non-military technology,” declared Prime Minister Ludlum. “It provides further proof that the billions of dollars wasted worldwide every year on military hardware can be better channelled towards education. Many of the kids in my Department of Awesomeness were only 10 years old when we first recruited them to our secret Greens Party program. I’m just glad Clive Palmer didn’t blow their cover.”
Reaction on the streets of Stockholm has been muted. Swedish citizens appear to have shrugged off the day’s events, although many younger Swedes have declared the unprecedented media blitz “helt fantastisk” (totally awesome). A small posse of radical feminists were seen marching towards the Högsta domstolen (Supreme Court) this evening, but meanwhile the bars are full of Australian troops and young Dept Awesomeness agents happily engaging with Swedish locals.
Warning: A Department of Foreign Affairs advisory warning remains in place for Australian nationals. Always wear a condom signed with your own initials in indelible ink, film all consensual sexual activity, and sign non-disclosure agreements before the first kiss. Happy travels!